The other night? Lsd.
Somehow a bunch of girls crashed into my life lately and I really like it. For example Kimberly, I have no clue who she is actually and her face is always hidden in her hair, I think she’s blind from one eye, but she’s always around me somehow since I arrived here and I like staying in silence with her.
Yesterday evening Nic and I were hanging out at the tent where the radio station is, I asked him what time it was and he put half a trip in my hand, then we ended up being part of the most beautiful performance that was taking place inside there, I can’t describe it, there was everything, the space was completely isolated from the rest by the wall of sound the three performers were creating and the trip kicked in together with the climax of the music. When it ended, I could barely focus on any of the faces of the people around me and I was feeling like we were underwater. I had this thought in my head during the whole time: the things you notice less are those that show their need to exist the most as they end up doing it so naturally that you can’t almost see them.
On the way back from the hill I lost Nic and everything turned into drama, I slowly got paralyzed, I couldn’t recognize anyone and all of a sudden I couldn’t even talk anymore, it felt like everything was stuck in a moment that is in between the thought and the action and I was sure that’s how dying has to feel like. I spent what felt like three hours alone in my tent but it was actually around thirty minutes or less, I dragged myself there because I was feeling like a burden toward the whole universe, I wanted to exist as less as I could but I also wanted to be found and I knew someone would have come to the tent sooner or later. I realized that nothing different than usual was happening but I was just more aware and I wasn’t sure it was what I wanted. I also realized that there is actually no such thing as free will in a way but I’ll talk about that another time, I developed a thought I had during my first trip a while ago, now everything is even more clear and I have no more questions about the meaning of everything.
The only thing which I could use to reach help was my phone but I had no numbers at all as my old one crashed last week, I could hold it in my hand but I didn’t know what it was, nor I knew what the tent was, everything looked so out of context that it didn’t make any sense at all, I was perceiving every detail as completely disconnected from one another and everything appeared extremely gross, I wanted to pee but I didn’t know how to do it as all the single actions were too detached from each other to put them in an order, I wanted to smoke but it felt the same, I wanted to move but I couldn’t. I received a message saying “hope you are feeling good” and I tried to answer hoping it came from someone who was there at the festival but it was Boat-guy, whom I hadn’t heard from since the boat trip, it somehow helped me and I made it to the bar and found Mermaid, I was so exhausted from the effort I had to put into moving among all the crowd that as soon as I saw his face I started crying and I cried my eyes out, I felt sorry for existing and I wanted to stop occupying space, I was completely lost and he handled the situation in the best way, he made me feel loved and taken care of and I decided to take half a pill and try to hide in the dancelfoor, I didn’t want to be alone but I had completely forgotten how to deal with people, I couldn’t understand a word of what they were saying and their faces were deformed, the space was completely filled with things and people that didn’t exist for real and I had troubles with walking.
After around five hours the effect faded and I realized I was so dirty, it looked like I had crawled in the mud for kilometers. I danced until the afternoon and then fell asleep and missed my shift at the cafe.
What can I say…
I sewed all day with the sewing machine, I hasn’t felt so powerful in a while. Next investment after the camera, people asked me for how many years i had been doing it but it was the first time.
I scrolled the dash for the first time after a while and brrrr, cheap feminism is even worse than no feminism, be aware.
In the last week I biked every day at least 15 km and I slept so good in the night, with anyone, it didn’t matter while it usually matters a lot, yesterday I even fell asleep at a client’a place. I’m leaving for the festival in one hour and be back in the beginning of August.
Need to solve my latest sex issue, hope it won’t take 7 years like the last time.